Which way does time go...?

Wow,

It really has been a long old while since I posted anything here. I always set out to update this manner of thing in the most meticulous way with all due diligence. I even created secondary and tertiary blogs to push me to update about my med-school application (fine, thanks for asking) and such but it really doesn't make the slightest difference to my blogging prolificity. (Actually a word, thanks Google Chrome)

I would say it is because I am much too busy, engaged in all manner of intriguing situation but that isn't really true. I could say it is because I'm rubbish but then that would be stupid and counter-productive since people would either support or refute this (yes, people have opinions) which I would have to browse when instead I could just sit here and mull over my insecurities about my abilities in peace.

I suppose the big thing with blogging is having something to say. I'm seldom short of a word and operate on a philosophy of 'why say in 5 words what can be said in 55' but, for me at least, this really serves as a diary to which I can refer to reflect on my own mistakes and decisions rather than as a weblog in the modern sense. I hand-draft of all these in my own unique illegible scrawl so really I should just diarise but this works for me..

Less whimsy, more purpose.

I'm a venter. Not 'fo' real' - in the real world I'm a bottler, storing everything up inside myself until I find a few minutes to go hide away in private and dispel in all rather than talking through my problems for the sake of not burdening others. But this, the online malarky, yes - it's a good release. I guess I've forewarned all potential viewers now of impending emo-like wallowing in self pity. Anyway..

I'm well aware of my flaws. We all have them, of course - people with a lot go as far as to say that they make them 'interesting' (I am one of these people). Probably my biggest flaw - that's right ladies, I'm male, I know I have flaws, I know what they are and have even gone as far to place them in descending order of severity - is that I'm nice. Wow, that really sounds big-headed (you will find narcissistic at number 3) but I'm talking to the point of personal detriment. That is to say - I get used.

I am boringly non-controversial and I always elevate the needs of others above my own. Today is one of those days where I found a lot out about that.

I'll get it out of the way now - a gent I've known, respected and thought of as family for the best part of 20 years passed away today after a short battle with brain cancer. This, of course, is incredibly trying for all associated and I have no shame in admitting he was a man I loved and I shed tears. Emotions are funny things though - they make you think. 2 things struck me whilst the day was playing out. First was that I really have nobody here I can go to when I need a friend or a pick me up (other than family). The second was that I really thought I did, but it turned out I was and still am wrong.

The people I like I told. Granted, when you tell someone you have a terminally ill friend there are very few useful reactions. I appreciate that the 'tea and sympathy' thing is useless. However, on reflection, these people haven't once in the 4 weeks stopped and asked me how he was or, as their friend, even how I was. Not a kindly phrased question after my own emotional well being, a nicely phrased text message of support nor even just a 'if you need to talk, I'm here'. They were all happy to ask me to look over personal statements, UCAS applications, proof-read essays and coursework, e-mail them copies of my revision notes or listen to their problems. As I said - I'm nice. I do this stuff because I like to help people, I can do good, better society and it doesn't hurt me.

It's very hard, though, to feel as though I've actually formed any kind of emotional tie to any of these. To feel as though anyone actually respects about or cares for me - purely that I am a 'useful' person to have 'indexed'. I don't want to be too personal because I hate confrontation and I don't want to offend anyone but suffice to say I'm bloody fed up of it. The irony? Tomorrow, I will get up and I will still be -that guy-.

It was my new year's resolution to stop being -that guy- this year. 1.14pm, January 1st, was when I broke that resolution.